social media break

I am just so tired. I am so tired of all of it. I used to love Facebook. And maybe this will end up sounding like the ramblings of a perimenopausal woman who's simply had it and misses the good old days, but goddamn. Facebook used to be fun. Remember? When it was just.... neat? A way to catch up with old friends you'd otherwise never hear from again, watch friend's babies grow up in real time in a way that just never used to be possible.

I look at old FB posts now, about lines from commercials and checking in someplace or posting a rant about traffic or waiting for a new episode of a show to come out and think - wait, this was only twelve years ago??? That doesn't even seem possible. I realized at some point yesterday, while I was endlessly scrolling, becoming increasingly agitated with each reel and fake headline and ugly meme, that I don't think I saw one positive thing all day. The more I scroll, the worse it gets, and the worse it gets, the sadder and madder I get, until I'm ready to explode on some silly bitch I went to high school with at two in the morning.

I almost did exactly that last week, barely managing to reason with myself in time after typing my fourth scathing draft of a comment, each meaner than the next. Instead, I closed the laptop, took a few deep breaths, and burst into tears. I'm not built for hate. I'm not built for mean - it doesn't make me feel better. It's not that I'm "too nice." Anger comes so easy to many, and it does not for me. If I'm angry, I want to find out why and fix it, not sit around yelling at people about it.

I wish it did. I wish I could just get mad and yell it out and feel better. Unfortunately, that only makes me feel worse about myself, and you guys, I don't need that.

Through those furious tears (I do get angry at myself, of course) I realized something. I have felt like this before, this buzzing fury just under the surface, wanting to strike out at something, anything, and have it make some sort of fucking difference. I have a flash of myself sitting on this very couch, ever-present glass of wine perched next to me on the armrest, fingers flying in a vicious reply to someone in Nebraska (a state I've never been to) about wearing a mask. I'd refill that wine and fight with that guy or someone like him for an hour, sometimes. I'd go to bed still seething, both with them and myself for yet again falling into this stupid trap I kept setting for myself. The next morning, before I opened my eyes, I was already catching my breath, as if I'd been holding it all night. Drink, drink, repeat. And then I got very sick.

I have no intention of getting very sick again, and I'm grateful - more than most will ever understand - that I do not find myself wishing for wine to make this world more palatable right now. I know, however, that that buzzing energy and anger and frustration is bad for me and my mental health, and I have to stop stepping into my own traps if I want to thrive.

I haven't quit them yet until this point under the guise of "staying informed," and not "sticking my head in the sand." It feels massively privileged and therefore guilt-inducing to just turn off what is reality for so many people because it makes me sad to see how much they're suffering and scared. In looking more closely, however, it's pretty clear that most of my social media is an echo chamber anyway, and honestly, it's just starting to feel performative. Like who can find the most heart wrenching, the worst(or best) angle of a murder, the most violent or disgusting or horrific of the many to choose from. And as someone who feels the need to write about it, posting long missives on my Facebook for my friends to share and agree with feels very self congratulatory and like I'm trying to build an audience off of the pain and atrocities towards others, even though that's not the intent.

So I'm going to try a little experiment here. This blog is technically attached to my facebook and insta and therefore people could find it, but as far as I know no one has yet. I'm going to stay out of it for awhile, not putting a time limit or too firm of restriction, but definitely not on the phone or on a daily basis. Instead of spending hours scrolling and checking to see if anyone else is doing the things I'm doing, I'm just going to ...do the things. Write about them. I'll add the tags and seo and stuff just to see, and maybe one day I will market it right back on the social media I'm getting away from, but for now, it's just for me.

My own, actual, Eat Sleep Move Dream. I hadn't realized that social media was nowhere on the list, and it was never supposed to be.

Sugar waiting for me to stop fighting with strangers on the internet